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Edward I of England ("Longshanks") comes north to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he reaches the field of battle, on the crest of a hill there appears a solitary figure, a diminutive guy in a kilt.
"Hammer of the Scots!" yells the wee Scot. "Come up here, ya English bastards and I'll give ye ma own hammer!"
Edward orders his commander: "Dispatch 10 men up there and deal with that tiny Scottish upstart."
The commander sends 10 men over the hill to kill the Scot. Minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English bastards!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ya! Come on, I'll have the whole lot of ya!"
Edward, rather annoyed, turns to his commander. "Take 25 men and kill that little Highland rubbish!" The commander sends 25 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the feisty little Scot appears at the top of the hill again,
his shirt a bit torn.
"Ya English scum!" he taunts. "I'm joos warming up! Come and get me!"
Edward is losing patience rapidly. "Commander, select 50 men and you personally blot him from the face of the earth!", he orders. The commander leads 50 men mounted on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Twenty minutes later, the wee Scotsman is back. His clothing is somewhat asunder and his face bloodied. He yells, "Is that the best ya can do?? You're cowardly WIMMIN! Come on, come up here and let's have a go lads!
Edward turns to his next in command. "Take 100 men over that hill and do not return until you've killed him!" The men are assembled and they ride off over the hill. A few minutes later, but one of the English
calvarymen appears at the top of the hill, running towards Edward. He's covered in blood, his weapons missing, and his clothes are in shreds.
Your Majesty!" he screams. "It's a trap! Withdraw the troops! There are two of them!"

The Scotsman stood at the bar for hours on end telling the bartender about his exploits. "Now," said the bartender, "suppose you tell me something you can't do."
"Well," said the Scot. "For one thing - I canna pay the bill."

The old Highland soldier was telling his grandchildren of his harrowing combat experiences in North Africa during WW2.
"Ammunition, petrol, food, and whisky had run out and we were parched with thirst...."
"Wasn't there any water?" asked the grandchildren.
"It was hardly a time to be thinking of cleanliness."

A Texas A&M graduate went to Ireland. He was observing Maguire harvest his spuds. The Aggie says "You call them 'potatoes'! Why back in Texas we have potatoes three times that size"!
Maguire replied, "To be sure, but we grow them to fit our mouths."

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman who was quietly minding his own business. One walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he hardly seemed to care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite."
"I didn't know that, thank you." replied the Irishman.
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his chums. "You're right, he is unshakable."
The third Englishman said: "No, no, no, I will really set him off, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear St. Patrick was actually an Englishman."
"Yes, that's what your colleagues have been telling me."

It was a cold, hard Dublin winter, and was Brian Lonegan's last. He finally succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver, the traditional trail of farewell for those who subsist on an Irish liquid diet. His casket was being carried down the steps of the church by six pallbearers when one of the men slipped on the ice and sent the whole lot, with the casket, sliding down the street. The men managed to stop themselves with difficulty, but the casket carrying the remains of Brian Lonegan sped down the icy way. At the end of the street was the local apothecary shop, and a man was coming out the door as the casket jumped the sidewalk. The man saw the juggernaut coming and leapt aside just in time, as the casket shot through the doorway. It scraped across the floor, coming up against the druggist's counter with an authoritative "Thump!" The lid popped open, and Brian Lonegan himself sat upright.
"An how can I be helpin' ye?" inquired the druggist.
Said Lonegan: "Can ye be givin' me somethin' for this coffin?"

The Inverness Kirk Session Records between 1688 - 1695 mention "William Fraser, Pyper to the Lord Lovat, as having payed four pounds Scots of a penalty for doing what he ought not have done."

An astronomer, biologist, an engineer and a mathematician were crossing the border into Scotland from England on a train when they spied a pasture with a black sheep in it.
The astronomer said, "Look - all sheep on Earth are black."
The biologist said, "No, in Scotland the sheep are black."
The engineer replied, "You're both incorrect, in Scotland some of the sheep are black."
The mathematician rolled his eyes to heaven and said, patiently, "In Scotland, there exists at least one field, in which there is at least one sheep which is black on at least one side."

Mick wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the Inspector Maguire at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Says Mick, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the Inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Mick, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Mick continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"To be sure," persevered Mick, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into the village and fetch my Uncle Sean."
This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "Why on earth would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

A lorry driver amused himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP!" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought that he would do a good turn so he pulled the lorry over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church five miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father, I'll give you a lift. Climb in." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But suddenly he remembered that there was a priest in the vehicle with him so, at the last minute, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!" Not understanding where the sound had originated, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "Father forgive me! I almost hit that lawyer!" "That's quite allright," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

An Irishman's Philosophy
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: Either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there are two things to worry about: Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with all your friends, then you won't have time to worry.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda."Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"Fact is, he got out three times to go to the gent's."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She answered: "He said, 'Mary - put down that damn gun.'"

The Irish Pig
'Twas an evening in November,
As I very well remember.
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride,
But my knees were all aflutter,
So I landed in the gutter,
And a pig came up a lay down by my side.
Yes, I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a colleen passing by did softly say,
"You can tell a man that boozes
By the company he chooses."
At that the pig got up and walked away.

Kate O'Flynn knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it child?", asked the priestr.
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear child, that isn't a sin - 'tis only a mistake."

A few nights ago some friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Irish jokes we knew. Anyway, I ducked into the restroom. While I was in there, this big feller came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Irish and I don't like you telling all those Irish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, friend, just against anyone in Ireland."
"My mother's in Ireland!" he shouts, and pulls out a razor. Was I frightened! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!

This Scot bloke gets a call from his English friend. "I've got a problem," says the Englishman.
"What's the matter?" asks the Scot.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's much too difficult. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks the Scotsman.
"It's of a big cockerel (= rooster)," replies his English friend. "All right," says the Scot, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to the Englishman's house.
The Englishman leads the Scot into his kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. The Scot looks at the puzzle and then turns to his English friend saying, "For pity's sake - put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information on the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note on my accident form that my weight is 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Q:What is the difference between a piper and a 16-inch pizza?
A:A 16-inch pizza can feed a family of four....

A father is talking to his son and the son says, "Dad - when I grow up I'm going to be a piper".
The father replies, "Sorry son, canna have it both ways".

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a piper?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

There was a Scot, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fellow must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fellow must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scot was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

An Englishman, made irate by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

An irate golfer, on his way to a score of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
The Scottish caddie: "That would be too much of a coincidence".

The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a fifty pence coin clenched in their teeth.

On a recent trip to the Isle of Skye in the village of Luib, the proprietor of a restaurant, related to me his delightfully derisive description of a piper as "A jock in frock with a knife in his sock".

During the 1950's and 1960's, the Edinburgh Corporation Transport wouldn't permit gentlemen wearing kilts upstairs on their trams for fear of alarming passengers downstairs.

A Scotsman went into a barbershop and inquired about the cost of a haircut.
"Six pounds," replied the barber.
"What about a shave?" asked the Scot.
"Three pounds fifty pence," said the barber.
The Scotsman answered, "Then shave my head."

Things NOT to say when visiting Scotland:
- Trust a Scotsman to clone a sheep.
- Three (it may sound like 'free' and this can cause a stampede).
- You Scotch people sure speak funny English.
- Whisky and Coke please.
- When does the weather improve?
- It's lovely here in England. - Where's Scotland Yard?

A Scot admitted as a patient into the emergency ward was found to have splinters in his lower lip.
It seems he'd inadvertently dropped a bottle of whisky onto the floor.

Even more giggles....

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